Catharsis
by stardust923
Summary: Evolution of FemShep and Kaidan's relationship after their encounter on Horizon. Rated T, just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

_**Standard disclaimer**: Bioware owns all, I just borrowed things for a bit of fun. _

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

Katharine Shepard strode back onto the deck of the Normandy, glancing backwards once to make sure that the other members of the Horizon ground crew were still behind her. Tucking a stray strand of her dark hair back behind her left ear as she walked, she made her way directly to the cockpit, with Garrus and Jack still trailing after her.

Joker spun around in his pilot's chair to greet them with an easygoing grin as they entered the space he considered to be his domain on the ship. "Hey there commander, nice going, you kicked some serious -" His voice broke off, eyes widening slightly as he took in the dark expression on his commanding officer's face.

"Get us out of here Joker. Now," she said tightly.

"Sure thing commander," he replied easily, wiping the quizzical look off his face when he saw Garrus, standing behind Shepard, shake his head imperceptibly. "Where to this time?"

"Back to the Citadel. Earth. Ilium. I don't _care_, Joker, just anywhere but here; I can't be here anymore." Her voice caught a little on her last words, but her eyes remained calm as she looked at him.

"You got it. I'll plot a course for the Citadel; if nothing else you can say hi to Captain Anderson."

The corners of Shepard's mouth turned upwards slightly in a small smile. "That's Councilor Anderson, now. Thanks Joker." And with that, she turned around and left the cockpit.

Joker watched her retreating back for a few seconds before looking back up at Garrus and Jack. "Someone want to tell me what that was all about? I mean, I don't really have a good reason to stick around this place, but we don't usually leave so… abruptly. Not unless something is about to blow up the ship, that is."

"We ran into Lieutenant Alenko while we were down there," said Garrus, looking at Joker shrewdly.

"Lieuten – _Kaidan_? He survived the attack? How is he? You actually got a chance to talk to…" His voice trailed off as he recalled Shepard's morose expression. "Oh. Shit. Yeah, I get it."

* * *

It took all her willpower to reach the elevator without losing her tenuous grip on self-control. Shepard nodded briefly to her crewmembers as she passed by them, not really listening to their greetings, and unsteadily released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding when the elevator doors finally shut. The elevator rose to the top of the ship, where she stepped into her personal quarters. She breathed a sigh of relief as the doors swept shut behind her, finally leaving her alone.

Shepard slid into the chair at her desk, her green eyes locked on the prominently displayed holo of Kaidan that she kept there. She bit her lip as she thought about the bittersweet reunion that had just taken place on Horizon. Her heart had leapt when Kaidan had appeared as she was talking to Delan; just hearing his voice again had been enough to make her catch her breath. Not a day had gone by since she had awoken at the Lazarus facility without her thinking about him. Wondering how he was, what he was doing… whether he had moved on from her.

She had nearly lost her composure when she stepped into Kaidan's embrace, feeling his strong arms come around her back to hold her close to him once again. It felt so familiar, so _right_, to be back in his arms, drawing comfort from his closeness. She hadn't wanted it to end. All too soon, however, they drew apart from one another, and it all went downhill from there.

His words had stung, and she knew they would haunt her. "I thought we had something Shepard. Something real. I… I loved you." Did he really question what they had been, what they had together? Her heart had soared at hearing those last words, then plummeted when it sank in that he had spoken in the past tense.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" The pain in his voice had been palpable, and she had nearly flinched at his accusing words. She had had to summon all her willpower to remain poised. She had wanted to fall back into his arms and explain everything, let him know that she still loved him, tell him about all the half-written messages to him in the drafts folder of her private terminal.

The words that came out of her mouth had been entirely different. "So much time has passed. You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds." Even now it rang hollow in ears, sounding short and disjointed, but Kaidan had taken it at face value, and his next words had pierced her to the core.

"I did move on. At least, I thought I did." Shepard lowered her head into her hands as the words echoed through her mind again. Well, at least now she knew for certain how he felt. She had wondered whether he still had feelings for her, and there was the answer.

_Right, Kate. Keep telling yourself that,_ she thought to herself. _Face it. What you wanted to hear wasn't _whether_ he had moved on. You wanted to hear that he _hadn't_ moved on. That he still cares for you._

She bit her lip as she recalled the rest of their conversation. He had grown angry as they talked about her involvement with Cerberus, accusing her of betraying the Alliance. Of betraying him. Of changing, and turning her back on what she had believed in. The look in his eyes as he spoke had been chilling; gone was the tenderness that she remembered, and in its place was a detached hardness that crushed the last of her hopes of reviving their relationship.

His last words to her had a tone of finality to them that caused her to tremble even now. "Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful." And he had walked away without a backward glance, bringing a dull ache to her heart.

She picked up the holo, caressing the frame as his words ran through her mind over and over again. Tears gathered in her eyes, blurring her vision, and she put the holo carefully back on her desk when she realized she was trembling. She stood slowly and walked over to her bed, where she laid on her back and stared at the ceiling, unable to get him out of her head.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

When they had arrived at the Citadel, Shepard had stopped by the bridge for a quick chat with Joker before going to drop in on Captain Anderson. After asking for an update on the ship – one of the countless things she did that inspired his deep respect and loyalty – they had briefly touched on the subject of her meeting with Kaidan on Horizon.

Her bitter reaction had startled him. "Another reminder of how I've lost more than time. I've had enough of this garbage."

_Methinks the Commander doth protest too much._ Although she had never spoken about it openly, he knew what she and Kaidan had been to each other; Kaidan had been one of his closest friends on the old Normandy and had confided enough in him for Joker to realize what was happening. _That, and listening in on all their conversations over the comm. system_, he smirked.

_Wish I'd been paying attention when they talked on Horizon. The one time I decide to let the Commander have a little privacy and it turns out I wish I knew exactly what they said to each other. Figures_, he sighed. In short, though, he simply could not believe she had "had enough" just like that – not when by her reckoning, a few short weeks ago she and Kaidan had been fine.

Joker glared at his communication terminal. _Should I?_ He re-read the brief message, debating whether it was prudent to send, whether it contained too much information. After he left the Alliance, he and Kaidan had kept in touch, albeit sporadically. Kaidan had no idea that Joker was working for Cerberus, let alone that he was piloting the new Normandy and serving the Commander again; Joker felt it was better to let him believe he was a test pilot for a military contractor. He had tried to make the message sound like he had heard things through the grapevine.

_Aw, what the hell. Can't make things any worse, right?_

_Yeah, dude, keep telling yourself that. You _never_ make situations worse._

_Well, someone needs to kick his ass into gear, and somehow I doubt the Commander is going to be the one to do it._

He sent the message.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

Kaidan Alenko paced the narrow room that he was staying in for the duration of his visit to the Citadel. It had taken him over a year after the destruction of the Normandy before he was able to go longer than a day without thinking about Katharine Shepard, and even longer before he was able to move past the memory of their relationship. He had really thought he was finally over the heartache and depression, but all it had taken was one look at her on Horizon to bring it all rushing back. Just a few seconds with her in his arms, and all he could think about was her; the scent of her dark hair, the sea green colour of her eyes, the way her inherent grace was enhanced by years of physical training in the military. Just a few short minutes talking to her again, and all he wanted to do was pick up where they had left off. It was as though nothing had changed.

_Stupid, Alenko_. Because, of course, _everything _had changed. Shepard was _alive_. Somehow, she had survived the wreck of the Normandy two years ago, without bothering to let him know. Worse, she had abandoned the Alliance and was working for Cerberus! The furrow in his brow deepened as he mulled over it. How could she have changed so much? Had he somehow misjudged her all that time ago? His heart ached and his thoughts waged war with each other, the part of him that missed her vying for supremacy with the part of him that was angry at her.

It had taken the better part of the trip back from Horizon for his temper to cool enough to really examine what had transpired there. He cringed now as he remembered what he had said to her. _Stupid, Alenko,_ he thought to himself again. _What the hell is wrong with you? The woman you love, the woman you thought was dead, is alive, and the first thing you do is fight with her?_

He stopped dead in his tracks, sucking in a quick breath as he repeated that last thought in surprise. _The woman I love?_ He pondered his reaction to seeing her alive, and couldn't ignore the pounding of his heart, or the way he could still feel her hands slipping around his waist. He groaned softly, raking a hand back through his dark hair. _Yes. The woman I love. Dammit. _

Kaidan lifted his arm to look at his omni-tool, rereading the brief message he had received from Joker the previous night.

_Kaidan,_ it began. _I'll cut right to the chase. I hear all kinds of wild rumours, but in the past couple days the weirdest has been that Shepard is alive, you saw her, and blew her off. Crazy shit, I know. But, in case it's true… dude. Seriously? Maybe it's not my place to say, but I remember the way you felt about her, and I know that what the two of you had was the real thing. If the Commander is alive, and you did blow her off, fix it. Damn if I know why, but she always needed you. Don't be such a damn jackass. Joker. _

Trust Joker to be that blunt.

Finally, he sat down at the small desk in the corner of the room and pulled up the message composition screen on the terminal, anger at Shepard battling with the ache to be near her again. Anger lost, and he began typing a message. It took three attempts before he finally had a draft that he was comfortable with, and nearly an hour after that before he could bring himself to send it.

When he was done, he remained at the desk, lost in memories of their time together. He remembered feeling something akin to awe when he first met his new X.O., the hero of the Skyllian Blitz, and how that had given way to professional respect after serving with her on the Eden Prime assignment. He had heard the pain in her voice when she discovered Jenkins was dead, cursing softly under her breath, and had realized that while she was a highly competent marine, she was still human. He remembered her stopping by his station to get his thoughts on their latest assignments, and the way those conversations had slowly evolved into something more personal. He remembered pulling her to her feet from her sitting position by her weapons locker after the Normandy was grounded at the Citadel; the look in her eyes and the feel of her hand in his setting his heart to hammering. He remembered hesitating before entering her quarters when they were on their way to Ilos, the uncertainty giving way to anticipation and desire when they finally kissed for the first time. The fear that she had been killed in the aftermath of the battle with Saren had been agonizing, and he remembered thinking that the galaxy had a dark sense of humour if she had defeated Saren and saved the Council only to be killed by a falling piece of concrete. That fear did not even begin to compare, however, to his pure anguish at the realization that she had not survived the wreck of the Normandy.

And now, she was back. Working for an organization that she had hated, but indisputably alive. He wondered how she could make him want to yell at her at the same time that he wanted to kiss her, and the answer rose unbidden in his thoughts.

_Stupid again, Alenko. You love her. The real question is, can you trust her?_


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

_Well_, mused Shepard,_ that was definitely not business as usual, even for me. After all, it's not every day I come back on board with a supposedly perfect specimen of a Krogan all dressed up in a giant test tube._

"You have unread messages at your private terminal," called Yeoman Chambers as Shepard approached.

"Thanks. I'll check messages up in my quarters; it's been a long day."

She hit the door lock panel as she walked into her quarters, wondering yet again what had possessed the Cerberus workers to install a _fishtank_, of all things, in the C.O.'s cabin. As if she would ever remember to feed the damn things if she had them. She would never understand civilians.

Stretching slightly, Shepard sat at her desk, turned on her terminal and scanned the subject lines of the new messages. She sat up straighter as she realized that one message was entitled "About Horizon…"

_It has to be from Kaidan. Crap. _She drew a long, deep breath and steeled herself for whatever it might say.

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on, I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me… maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things have settled down a little… maybe… I don't know. Just take care._

_--Kaidan_

She stared at the screen, seemingly frozen in place as conflicting emotions welled up in her. Love. Hope. Jealousy. Relief. Sadness. _Damn it, Kaidan, why does this have to be so complicated? How is it that one message can affect me so deeply? What the hell did you want me to take away from this, anyway?_

She reread the message slowly, trying to figure out what he really wanted. The apology was a good start; his words on Horizon had hurt more than she cared to admit, and for days afterward his accusations had been all she had been able to think about. She understood his reaction, but that did nothing to lessen the ache in her heart.

Shepard's eyes narrowed as she came to the part about the doctor on the Citadel. She knew that he was just trying to get everything out in the open and clear the air, but it still stung. _You have no right to be angry,_ she told herself. _He made it very clear that you have no claim on him, and you were dead at the time. Of course he moved on._

She leaned forward slightly, pushing her hair back out of her eyes as she continued. _Of course I remember the night before Ilos. How could I forget? It _still_ means everything to me. I _still_ wake up thinking about you, and go to sleep wishing you were with me. Nothing will change that._

The end of the message left her hopeful that he really did still care about her, although she cautioned herself against reading too much into it. _There's no promise there, just a "maybe."_ But it was enough.

Briefly she considered the wisdom of replying. She wanted to write a long letter, pour her heart out to him, explain everything. Hell, if it came down to it, what she really wanted was to track him down, turn the ship around, show up on his doorstep and make him listen. _But neither of those things can happen_, she sighed. _This mission is too important, and he still needs time. I'm not a teenager dealing with petty drama anymore. I'm a grown woman, the first human Spectre; the _last_ thing I need right now is more drama._ For a moment, she entertained the absurd thought that she wished for the simpler days of tracking down and battling Saren. _Yeah. "Simple."_

She stood, stretching her arms above her head and arching her back slightly, then walked over to the bathroom. She needed a shower, and a good night's sleep. She turned on the water jets, then stripped and stepped into the hot water, steam already starting to fog up the mirror. After scrubbing herself clean she washed her shoulder length dark brown hair, then slathered on a thick conditioner that was lightly scented with mint. The conditioner was obscenely expensive, and was the only toiletry she used that wasn't the standard issue found on all starships regardless of civilian or military status; she allowed herself few personal indulgences. She stood under the spray until there was no hot water left, then regretfully turned off the water and stepped out, wrapping herself in a towel. She changed into a white tank top and blue boxer shorts, towel drying her hair as she tilted her head slightly to the right.

Once more she stretched her arms above her head, yawning. It had been a long day. She went back to the bathroom to hang the towel on a hook by the shower, then paused in front of her comm. terminal on the way back to her bed. She looked at the screen thoughtfully, then sat down and wrote a quick message, sending it before she could second-guess her words too much.

_No drama_, she thought. _No emotional outburst or long-winded explanation. Short and simple. The truth._


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

There was, he decided, nothing quite like taking things apart and putting them back together for relieving stress. Kaidan glanced at the loose wiring dangling from the panel in front of him and at the various metal parts strewn around him on the floor. He had spent all morning doing this. First it had been cleaning and recalibrating all his weapons. Then he had run full systems diagnostics on his omni-tool and taken it apart to correct what may as well have been imaginary hardware faults. After that he had stopped to get a cup of coffee from the small beverage dispenser unit in his room, only to find himself dismantling it to adjust some of the thermo-regulators. Now he was tinkering with the in-room comm. system, telling himself that the core structure needed reconfiguration.

It had been over a day since he fired off the message to Shepard, and he was growing more anxious by the minute. He practically jumped every time he received a new message, sure it would be from her, only to deflate when it turned out to be something more mundane. Disassembling and fixing things allowed him to expend some of his nervous energy; he would have gone stir crazy if his hands had been idle.

_Deep breaths,_ he told himself. _If wishing made it so, you would have gotten a million messages from her by now. Just be patient. _He returned his attention to the system before him, frowning at the loose wires as he checked some faulty electronic couplings using his omni-tool. The readout made him want to kick the unit. _Damn Citadel techs! No wonder this has been malfunctioning; they cross-wired the semiconductors with the logic processors. You would think they would realize by now that making something on the cheap in the beginning just costs more to fix later. _

Suddenly, a flashing light on his omni-tool alerted him to a new message. Taking a deep breath, he looked down at the screen. Kaidan's heart skipped a beat; it was from her. The message was short, but he had to read it four times before it really sank in.

_Kaidan,_

_Apology accepted. I understand that things can't have been easy for you. I hope we can meet again if I'm able to stop the attacks on the colonies, and I hope that someday we'll be able to see each other again and talk all of this through. I suspect you will know if my mission is a success. In the meantime, know this: I miss you, I miss _us_, and I think of you often. I keep the memory of our night before Ilos very close to my heart. _

_Katharine Shepard_

Slowly he exhaled before walking over to the bed and sinking down on its edge. He felt the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, but couldn't quite allow himself to feel happy. After all, there was still the very real chance that they would be unable to get their derailed relationship back on track. Worse, even if he didn't know exactly what she was hunting, there still remained the very real possibility that she would not survive the mission; it was the simple truth of being a soldier.

Still, he couldn't help the thrill in his heart. He was still upset, struggling to comprehend why she was working for Cerberus and why she had dropped off the grid for so long, but the knowledge that she still cared for him eased some of that pain. Knowing that she still felt the connection that had brought them together on the original Normandy was enough to bring him a modicum of contentment.

He stared up at the ceiling, praying to whatever gods would listen for Shepard's safe return.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

"This will hurt," warned Doctor Chakwas. "But it needs to be done."

"Fine, let's get it over with," grimaced Shepard. After warning the Illusive Man in no uncertain terms that she was not Cerberus' pawn and would not be reporting to him any longer, she had emerged from the communications room to find the doctor waiting outside.

"Soldiers. You may be the best marine that humanity has ever produced, Shepard, but sometimes you may as well be a green recruit. You're all the same," muttered the doctor as she rotated Shepard's arm outward until her shoulder popped back into the joint. "Always trying to ignore your injuries."

Shepard hissed under her breath as the doctor maneuvered her arm, then sighed at the sudden relief. "I wasn't ignoring my injuries. I was avoiding the part where the pain gets worse before it gets better. Humanity makes it into space and earns a seat on the Citadel Council, but we haven't found a better way to fix a dislocated shoulder? You should get on that, doc."

Chakwas shook her head, staring at the commander in disbelief. "Yes, because clearly, _that_ should be at the top of the list of things that should concern humanity at this point in time."

Shepard's eyes widened slightly as she looked at the doctor, and chuckled faintly as she took in the implications of her words. "You mean you don't think it's right up there with defeating the Collectors and fending off an attack from hordes of sentient machines that threaten to annihilate civilization as we know it? I can't imagine why not."

The doctor joined in the laughter shakily, but the moment of levity was brief, and the two women quickly lapsed into thoughtful silence. After a few minutes, Shepard looked back at the doctor and said, "Thanks doc. You should get some rest if you can. I have to figure out what our next move is."

As she left the sickbay, she heard the doctor calling after her, "No rest for the weary?"

_You have no idea, doc. No idea_, thought Shepard as she rode the elevator up to the CIC deck. She looked around as she walked up to the galaxy map, taking in the now familiar surroundings. When she had first come on board the Normandy SR-2, it had been a jarring experience. She knew that in part the Normandy had been rebuilt in an effort to ease her transition back to life, but more than anything it had been disconcerting. The ship's design was based on the original Normandy, but there were significant changes. For one thing, the new Normandy was much larger. As a civilian ship, it also featured amenities that had been lacking on the original Normandy, including crew quarters instead of sleeper pods, observation rooms, and a large captain's cabin on its own deck. The changes left Shepard with the feeling that while she remained the same, everything she knew was different. After the incident with Kaidan on Horizon, being on the new Normandy was even more distressing, serving only to remind her that while nothing had changed in her mind, the rest of the world had moved on and things would never be as she recalled.

Shepard contemplated her options as she scanned the galaxy map. Although she badly wanted to allow her crew some much needed shore leave, the ship was much worse for the wear after its passage to the Collector base, not to mention its narrow escape from the base's destruction, and needed to be repaired. The only viable options were the Citadel and the Omega station. Returning to Omega was likely not the best idea with Garrus on board, so she plotted a course to the Citadel. The crew would have to make do with whatever time they could get while the ship was being repaired.

She lifted her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes in fatigue. _One more stop, then I can take a nap. Maybe I'll even be able to sleep for longer than an hour without someone waking me up to go deal with more crazy aliens intent on killing me._

As she neared the bridge, she noticed EDI was activated, and heard Joker extracting a ship status report from the AI system. "See, and you thought an AI was a bad idea," she said.

Joker swung the pilot's chair around to face her. "Well… maybe EDI has her uses from time to time. You know, to save me from actually having to run manual diagnostics." He winked at her. "Although, I wouldn't have to do this nearly as often if I didn't spend so much time saving your ass, Commander. You seem to enjoy cutting things close… you _do_ know the Normandy isn't designed for being up close and personal with exploding Collector bases, right?"

"Yes. But I also trust you to fly this ship like only you can," Shepard replied seriously. "I wanted to tell you, I hope you know how important you are on this ship, on this mission. We couldn't do it without you."

"Well, I _am_ the best damn pilot in the galaxy. But I know you really keep me around for my devastating charm and wit," he quipped.

Shepard eyed him in amusement. "Oh, yes, _devastating_. I bet you have to beat off the girls with those crutches of yours."

"Ouch, beating on the cripple. Touché, Commander," he grinned, happy to see her in relatively good humour. Then, without warning, he changed the subject. "So, the Citadel. Going to report to the Council?"

"Hardly," frowned Shepard. "They made it quite clear that reinstating my Spectre status was only a formality. I am going to talk to Captain Anderson, though. _Councilor_ Anderson, I mean. That data I uploaded to the Normandy with the information about the Collectors and their attempt to build a Reaper might just be what I need to bring the Alliance back around." She raised her hand and drew it back through her dark hair, sweeping it off her face as she breathed out quickly in frustration. "They _have_ to believe me now. Kaidan can't still think…" Her voice trailed off, and she cast her eyes downward.

Joker raised an eyebrow at her, smirking. "Kaidan, huh? What happened to having enough of that garbage?"

Shepard flushed, and she glared at her pilot. "Oh, shut up," she snapped, trying to ignore the knowing look he gave her as she turned around. "I'm going to go take a nap."


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

Shepard left Anderson's office in good spirits. She had recounted the details of her mission to the Collector base, assured him that she was no longer working with Cerberus, and given him a datapad that contained the information she had uploaded to the Normandy from the Collector base. Much of the information was encrypted, but already they could tell that it would hold useful intelligence about the Reapers. Anderson had been reluctant to believe her at first, but after nearly an hour of earnest argument on her part, including furious gesturing at the datapad, he had come at least part of the way around. He had been unable to promise her anything from the Alliance or the Council, of course, but he had pledged his support on both fronts so long as it didn't compromise the interests of humanity.

A faint smile hovered on her lips as she walked down to the Presidium. On a whim, she decided to go get a drink at the Embassy Lounge, and changed course to reflect her new destination. When she reached it, the bar was relatively quiet, with just a few customers lingering at the end of the lunch hour. Shepard ordered a glass of _alar_, a potent Asari beverage whose flavour was vaguely reminiscent of wine, and settled at a table close to the balcony. She sipped the drink as she looked out over the restored Presidium, idly wondering whether the repairs to the Citadel would take much longer to complete.

She took another sip of the drink, then set it down on the table in front of her, already feeling the relaxing effects of the alcohol. As she fingered the cool glass, she realized that she finally had some time to reflect on the events of the past few months.

_Months_, she mused. Had it really only been a few months since she had woken up to the sound of gunfire on the Cerberus station where she had been resurrected? The time had gone by in a blur for her; sometimes it seemed like just a few short days ago that she was fighting her way to the escape point on the Cerberus station, but other times it felt like too much had happened since then for mere months to have passed. She could hardly believe it herself, but somehow she had managed to gather an unlikely crew of aliens to help her go after the Collectors, retrieve a functioning IFF device from a derelict Reaper, use the unpassable Omega 4 relay only to emerge in the _galactic core_, of all places, and destroy the Collector base where humans were being harvested for the creation of a new Reaper. The stark contrast between what she had been through and the oblivious peace of the Citadel almost made her want to laugh. _Two days ago I was fighting to take down a human Reaper hybrid, and now I'm sitting here with a drink like everything is normal. What a life. _

She was still thinking about everything that had happened, everything she and her team had accomplished, when Joker's voice on her comm. link brought her out of her reverie. "Commander? Commander, you there?"

"Right here Joker," she said, her brow furrowing. "Is there a problem?"

"No problem, ma'am," he replied quickly. "I just wanted to let you know… some of the crew are heading down to Flux for some drinks in a little bit. We, ah, thought maybe you'd like to join us?"

"Drinks? Well -" she broke off, hearing a second voice saying something in the background that she couldn't quite make out. "Was that Jack?"

"Ow, fuck!" she heard Joker yelp. "Fine, _you_ tell her then!"

There was a rustling sound, then Jack's voice came through the comm. link. "Your cripple here got the message wrong. What he meant to say was, you need to get good and drunk, woman."

Shepard suppressed a laugh. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Destroy a Reaper in the making, get trashed. Standard operating procedure," declared Jack, her voice smug. "So, are you in or what?"

Shepard smiled. "Okay, fine. I can't promise you I'll get trashed, but I'll meet you guys at Flux. I just need to change out of this Cerberus getup first."

"No problemo, Commander." It was Joker again. "We're leaving now but we'll grab a table and see you when you get there."

* * *

She ran a hand back through her dark hair as she entered the popular club, her green eyes scanning the room for her crewmates. She sighted the group at a long table close to the bar, and smiled as she realized that for once, they were all relaxed and having a good time. Most of them were there; Joker making some lewd joke to the group, Miranda tossing back her mane of black hair, Jacob pouring more drinks from the pitcher on the table, Jack sitting back in her chair and nursing something bright blue. Garrus was speaking animatedly to Tali, gesturing broadly with a taloned hand, while Mordin looked on in amusement. Shepard was happy in the knowledge that they had this time to enjoy each other's company.

Looking up from his seat, Jack spotted her from across the room and raised her arm in greeting. "Shepard, over here!"

She walked over to them, tight jeans displaying the sway of her slim hips as she crossed the room, heeled boots clicking on the floor. "Where's Thane?" she asked as she took a seat next to Joker. "Grunt?"

Miranda smiled. "Grunt is at Chora's Den, said it was a better fit for a Krogan down there. Thane decided to stay on board the Normandy and meditate."

Shepard nodded, knowing that Grunt would have felt out of place at Flux, and Thane would have just felt out of place.

"Have a drink, Commander?" offered Jacob, motioning at the pitcher on the table.

She eyed the fluorescent liquid in Jack's cup. "Actually, I'm kind of curious about what Jack's drinking…"

Jack leaned forward, grinning ferally. "That's the spirit Shepard! It's some kind of Asari liquor… tastes like tequila, but stronger."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Like tequila… but _stronger_… really?" The last time she drank tequila had been the night after completing Special Forces training as the first woman to earn the N7 rating. She had woken up with the mother of all headaches, in a classmate's bed, the empty bottle on its side on the floor next to her half-naked friend.

Jack smirked and shoved the half-empty glass into Shepard's hand. "Yeah. Here, you drink this. I'll get another."

Shepard scrunched her nose as she took a whiff of the bright liquid, then shrugged and knocked back the remainder of the drink. Jack's eyes went wide, and a note of respect crept into her voice. "Not bad, Shepard. Maybe you know how to loosen up after all."

"Hey, the Commander can hold her own," broke in Joker. "You should have seen her after the Battle of the Citadel! For a while there she was going drink for drink with _Wrex_."

That caught Garrus' attention. "I remember that!" he exclaimed. "As I recall though, Wrex won. We practically had to carry you back to the ship."

"Hey, what do you want from me?" protested Shepard. "Wrex is _four times_ my size and has more livers than I do!" Despite her objection, she was smiling. It felt good to be here, with her friends, just relaxing. Although she never fully let her guard down as a result of years of military training and having to be combat ready at the slightest warning, she was determined to enjoy every moment of the evening. She knew that it was only a matter of time before she would have to return to the mission to safeguard humanity and the rest of the galaxy against the Reapers.

Miranda couldn't stop laughing. "You… you tried to keep up with a _Krogan_, Shepard? And here I thought you were an intelligent woman!"

"For once, I agree with the cheerleader. Even I'm not that crazy!" said Jack, but she winked at Shepard in approval.

The friendly banter continued for the rest of the evening, the crewmates bonded to each other as only those who face death together and survive can be. They laughed together over more drinks, Shepard and Jack consuming more of the blue Asari alcohol, until finally Miranda pushed back her chair and stood up.

"Well, I'm for bed." She paused, looking over the motley group. "I never thought I would say this, but I am really glad we were all on the same crew."

"Yeah, yeah, we know you love us all. Or at least me. I'm irresistible, after all," drawled Joker, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

Miranda rolled her eyes and flicked her thick black hair back over her shoulders. "Why do I even bother. Anyone else leaving?"

Mordin and Jacob stood to depart with her, leaving Joker, Tali, Garrus and Jack scattered around the table with Shepard. A few moments after their crewmates left, Jack turned to the remaining group, a grin on her face. "Alright you crazy kids, I'm going hunting. Enjoy the rest of your night!" And with that, she stood and walked away from the table, a predatory cast to her carriage as she made her way across the crowded room.

Tali looked after the biotic, confused. "Hunting? What is she… oh!" She snickered as she watched Jack approach a random man on the dance floor, throw him against the wall and start kissing him. "Do they even know each other?"

Shepard snorted and rolled her eyes, but a playful smile remained on her lips. "Doubtful. I don't think that's going to stop them, though. She's horny and half-naked as always, and he's male. That's all we need to know."

"Jealous, Commander?" teased Joker as she took a sip of her drink. She tried to laugh and swallow at the same time, and ended up coughing.

"Oh, how well you know me, Joker," she said, making a face at him when she finally caught her breath. "Making out with total strangers, that's me!" She looked at her companions, the only members of the original Normandy crew to help her wipe out the Collector base at the galactic core. It felt good to be here with them, taking the time to unwind before returning to work. She had been carrying so much tension with her for so long, and it was nice to decompress a little, if only for a few hours.

"And here I thought you only had eyes for me!" Joker said, clasping his hands to his heart in mock agony.

Tali and Shepard stared at him, then exchanged a wide-eyed look before dissolving into helpless laughter. Garrus shook his head in amusement as he watched them, arms crossed across his broad chest as the women poked fun at Joker's gallantry. Abruptly, an odd look crossed his face, and he stood up. "Be right back," he muttered, then made his way towards the entrance of the club, his friends' laughter echoing behind him.

* * *

Kaidan couldn't move. He drew shallow, ragged breaths, his mind attempting to make his muscles remember how to work, but all he could do was stare across the room. _She's here!_

He had been having a string of bad days since Anderson had called him into his office a few days ago for a briefing and told him that Alliance intel had detected the Omega 4 relay being activated. That in itself would not have been notable; the Collectors did not use the mass relay often, but they did use it. No, the alarming part had been that energy signatures identified the ship passing through the relay as a _human_ vessel. Human starships never returned after using the Omega 4 relay. No one knew if it was because the relay itself destroyed the ships, something on the other side did, or something else entirely, but it was a simple fact. Human ships had _never_ returned after activating the relay; it was so ingrained in human pilots that no one had attempted it in decades.

Kaidan's heart had stopped, and the blood had drained from his face. Somehow, he was sure that it was Shepard. She had hinted that her mission was crucial, and he knew that if it was important to her, a suicide run through a mass relay wouldn't stop her. No one else could possibly have attempted it. _She may never come back. She may _die_ out there thinking that I don't love her. _And then, illogically, _how could she do this to me?_

Anderson had taken one look at Alenko's pale countenance and known he had arrived at the conclusion that it was Shepard who activated the mass relay. "Pull yourself together, son," he said sharply, clapping a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "You and I both know that if anyone can make it back from a trip through the Omega 4 relay, it's Shepard."

Kaidan had nodded numbly, unable to say anything. The rest of the afternoon had passed by in a blur, and his sleep had been restless that night. The next morning, however, was a different story. His emotions had cycled between anxiety over Shepard's safety, anger at her for not telling him she was going on a _suicide_ mission, fury at Cerberus for sending her on such a mission in the first place, and bewilderment at the fact that she was working for Cerberus at all. Throughout that day he had found himself alternately breathless from being worried sick about her, or tense from being so angry at her.

Finally, late that night he had gotten another summons to Anderson's office. When he arrived, Anderson wasted no time in telling him that Alliance intel was reporting the Omega 4 relay had been activated again, but this time a human ship had come through from the other side. It was the Normandy SR-2. Upon receiving the news, Kaidan had sunk into a chair by Anderson's desk, heaving a sigh of relief as he cradled his head in his hands.

"I thought you would want to know," Anderson had said after taking in his expression. "I know you and Shepard were… close, before."

Kaidan's head had swung up, startled. He had tried to read Anderson's expression, but the Councilor kept his face carefully composed and inscrutable. Eventually Kaidan had nodded, and simply said, "thank you."

That had been two days ago. Since then, he had been driving himself crazy trying to decide whether to contact her again to make sure she had made it out alive. He wanted to hug her, wanted to yell at her. Most of all, he wanted to _see_ her. Reassure himself that she was still real. For some reason, though, he was unable to bring himself to send her any kind of note. It was unsettling that she hadn't sent him any message either.

Tonight he had decided that a drink might help calm his fraying nerves, and had decided to go to Flux; it was the only place on the Citadel that he knew of that stocked a particular beer that he was fond of. He had been prepared to have a beer, maybe two, then go to bed. Instead, as he crossed the threshold of the club, he had heard a familiar laugh carry over the beat of the music, and stopped dead in his tracks. His breath caught in his throat as he looked for the source of that musical sound he knew so well, his dark eyes finally settling on a table where Shepard and Tali were sitting with Joker.

_Joker? What is he doing here? Isn't he supposed to be working for a military contractor… oh. _It was obvious from the way Joker, Shepard and Tali were talking that this was not a chance encounter; they had the air of colleagues winding down together after a hard day at work. _I heard Tali was sailing with Shepard again, it shouldn't surprise me that Joker is too. I thought there was something suspicious about that whole military contractor bit. No wonder he knew about Horizon. _ He felt a pang of jealousy as he took in their easy camaraderie and the way that Shepard was leaning across the table towards Joker.

Suddenly, a figure blocked his line of sight, forcing Kaidan to look at the person in front of him. "Garrus?" he said, frowning.

The Turian folded his arms across his chest and glowered down at him. "Alenko," he returned, not smiling.

_What the hell is his problem? _

"Ah… are you here with the Commander?"

Garrus nodded briefly, still not saying anything. He was beginning to make Kaidan uncomfortable. "It's been a while," stated Kaidan a trifle desperately. "We haven't seen each other since… oh."

_Crap. I forgot that he was there on Horizon. He saw the whole stupid thing. _

"Indeed."

He sighed, shifting his weight a little as he looked up at his former teammate. "Look, Garrus. I know I screwed up on Horizon, okay? I'm sorry. It was just such a shock to see her again, and I wasn't prepared for it, or how it would make me feel."

Garrus relaxed slightly, his expression thawing. "I am glad you came to your senses. Your encounter on Horizon was hard on her, Alenko; she wasn't herself for days afterward."

Kaidan coloured slightly and stared down at his feet, unable to look the Turian in the eye. "Yeah. I understand."

Garrus gave him a long, measuring look. He seemed to arrive at an inner conclusion, and stepped aside, but warned, "Do not hurt her, Alenko. She has enough troubles."

As he finally got his feet to move and carry him past his old friend, Kaidan simply nodded.

* * *

"You did not!" chuckled Shepard as Joker finished telling them a story about flight school. Tali had been laughing so hard she was almost bent in half.

"I swear on the Normandy!" he insisted. "It was the last day on that simulator, and we had to…" Tali and Shepard looked at him inquisitively as he trailed off, an uncharacteristically serious expression coming over his face. He was looking at a point past Shepard's shoulder, and she was about to turn around when she heard a voice say her name.

An achingly familiar, _male_ voice.

"Shepard…?"


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

He could see the tense set of her shoulders as she froze in place. He stood patiently, taking in the shock on Joker's face and the curious way that Tali tilted her head to the side as she looked at him. Shepard, however, remained silent.

_Is she going to ignore me? _

Moments seemed to stretch into eternity, but eventually Tali looked back at Shepard and nodded her head slightly in encouragement. He breathed a sigh of relief as she finally turned around and looked up at him.

"Kaidan," she said quietly, with no trace of a smile on her face.

"Hi. It's, ah, good to see you all," he replied awkwardly, glancing at Joker and Tali before letting his gaze settle on Shepard. "How are you?"

_Good opener_, he thought in frustration. _Maybe you should have thought this through before walking over here, genius._

Kaidan watched as Joker rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but grunted in pain instead of forming any words. "Ow!" Joker scowled at Tali, rubbing a hand over his side. "What the hell was that for?"

Tali ignored him and turned to Kaidan and Shepard instead. "Kaidan, it's good to see you, but Joker and I have to go. We need to check on the Normandy."

"No problem, Tali. We'll catch up another time," Kaidan murmured, not taking his eyes off of Shepard.

Tali shot a warning look at Joker as she stood up, hand on her hip, her posture practically daring him to defy her. "Well?" she asked, her tone expectant.

"Fine, fine. Let's go check on the Normandy," grumbled Joker as he grabbed his crutches and got to his feet. He paused next to Kaidan, lowering his voice so that Shepard couldn't hear what he said. "Remember the message I sent you after Horizon? Don't mess this up, man."

Kaidan looked up in surprise, but Tali and Joker were already walking away.

_At least some things haven't changed,_ he reflected. _What is it about Shepard that inspires such loyalty in her crew? _

A sigh from Shepard brought his attention back to his former C.O. as she gestured to the seat Joker had just vacated. Smiling tentatively, he slid into the chair, noting with surprise that Shepard was in civilian clothing; he remembered how rarely she used to leave the Normandy in anything other than a full military hardsuit, armed to the gills.

_Her mission must be over, then. She wouldn't be drinking and out of armor, otherwise_. He closed his eyes briefly, relief washing over him.

"It's good to see you again," he said honestly.

"Same to you," she said, a smile flashing quickly over her face. He couldn't help but notice that it never reached her eyes, though, and all too soon she was looking back down at her drink, tapping her fingers against the glass.

_Is she nervous?_ He frowned inwardly, unsure how to continue.

He settled for a relatively innocuous question. "How long will you be on the Citadel?"

"I'm not sure," she responded, looking back up at him. "The Normandy is undergoing extensive repairs, and I'll probably be in and out of meetings with the Council and Alliance reps for a while. At least a week, I think."

"Your mission is over, then." It was not a question.

"For now." Their eyes met across the table, the sadness in her sea green eyes belying her calm posture. After a few seconds, she bit her lip, then picked up her glass and finished the rest of her drink in one long gulp. "Liquid courage," she explained flatly, seeing the surprise on his face. "Listen, do you mind if we go somewhere else? Somewhere not as loud."

He nodded his assent and stood, automatically holding out his hand to help her up. The feel of her skin against his palm as she clasped his hand to get to her feet sent a jolt to his heart, and his stomach performed an odd little flip-flop as he reluctantly relinquished her hand.

_Get a grip_, he told himself sternly. _A lot has happened, and she still has a lot of explaining to do. Things may not work out._

He followed Shepard as she led the way out of the club to a quiet space not far from the upper markets. When he noticed her scanning the area, he knew that she was mentally noting possible exits and defensive positions, and had to bite back a smile. It was something she had always done. He had asked about it once, and she had laughed, saying it was force of habit, but that it had saved her life more than a few times.

As she settled onto a padded bench by the window, he suddenly became aware of their location.

_This is where it all started. I wonder if she realizes._

He could recall the moment with perfect clarity. They had just come from the singularly unproductive meeting with the Council, and were tracking down Harkin, a lead at C-Sec. Ashley was with them, and they began talking about the Council races and why they seemed to have such a problem with humans. Shepard had smiled playfully and made a joke about humans having everything the Council could want, including oceans, beautiful women and the emotion called love. It had been the first time that Kaidan had seen her smile, and he had been taken aback by the realization of how beautiful the commander really was. Before he knew what he was doing, he blurted out, "When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you." Horrified realization at what he just said dawned over him, and he tried to backpedal. "I mean, us! Humans. Ma'am."

Ashley had smirked and made fun of him, but instead of berating him Shepard had merely cocked her head to one side and said, "I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here." His face had reddened, causing her to smile at him before leading them down to Chora's Den in search of Harkin. He was left wondering why the hell a simple smile made him feel so warm.

Kaidan shook his head slightly, trying to ground himself in the present. It was too easy to lose himself in the memories of their time together. _Focus, Alenko._ He sat on the bench next to her, careful to leave space between them. _You have a lot to talk about._

He took a deep breath, knowing this would not be an easy conversation. "Alliance intel had you coming through the Omega 4 relay. Your mission, right?"

She nodded. "Yes. The relay is the only way to get to the Collector homeworld in the galactic core."

He stared at her in disbelief, but her expression was serious. "The galactic core? I thought there wasn't anything there except black holes!"

"That's what we thought, too. Turns out, the Collectors had a base there. It was where they were taking all the abducted colonists," she said grimly.

_The Collectors were taking the colonists to a base in the galactic core? Why – wait, hold on a second. _

"They _had_ a base there?" He lifted an eyebrow at her, noticing that she was hunched inward a little bit, her fingers fidgeting in her lap, clearly uncomfortable. As she looked down, his hand itched to reach forward and tuck back into place the strands of her glossy hair that had escaped from behind her ear. Not for the first time since the explosion of the original Normandy, he wondered if anyone else could make him feel this way.

"Had. Definitely past tense; I blew that place to hell and gone." A ghost of a smile crossed her face as she looked up at him, and Kaidan was reminded once again of how skilled a marine she was. On a professional level, he had always admired the ease with which she led squads to overcome seemingly impossible odds, and he would be lying if he claimed not to be a little jealous of her high proficiency marks for all weapons.

"What happened to the colonists?" he asked suddenly, frowning.

Her eyes darkened, and she shook her head slowly. "They were being… liquidated, Kaidan. Literally. Turned into organic matter to fuel the construction of some kind of human Reaper hybrid. I saved those I could, but it was too late for almost all of them. I had to kill the Reaper and destroy the entire base."

Kaidan's jaw dropped slightly, gazing at her in stunned silence. _A human Reaper hybrid? What the hell?_

"I know, it's hard to believe," she continued, her voice sincere. "But I already met with Anderson, he knows everything that I know. I gave him all the data we were able to gather; hopefully we'll be able to use it against the Reapers. I'm sure he'll brief you."

His mind was reeling, barely able to process what she was saying. _She practically singlehandedly destroyed a Collector base and a Reaper? Is there anything this woman can't do?_

He glanced at her, noting the way she was now rubbing her temples with her fingertips. _She always did get headaches when she was feeling tense._ There had been a time when he would massage her shoulders and neck when she was like this, seeking out the knotted muscles and easing them into relaxation. He sighed, wondering if he would ever be able to do that again.

_So much has changed since then._

Then her last words sank in, snapping him back to attention. _ She gave her intel to Anderson? Does that mean she isn't working for Cerberus anymore? _

"Are you… coming back to the Alliance?" he asked, unable to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice.

She ran a hand through her hair, pulling it away from her face. He could see the frustration in her features, and she exhaled loudly. "I don't know. I gave them all the information I have, but if they still refuse to see reason…" her voice trailed off, and her face twisted with irritation. "I just don't know."

Kaidan balled his hands into fists in sudden anger as he recalled the shock of seeing her with Cerberus on Horizon. He still couldn't grasp _why_ she would work for an organization that she knew to be capable of atrocity. _She can't be the same woman I knew. Not if she's actually considering staying with Cerberus._

"So, what, you're only going to come back to the Alliance if they can help you? Is that what you've come to, Shepard?" he accused bitterly. "What happened to your sense of duty?"

_What am I _doing_? _he thought in dismay as he saw her recoil from his harsh words. She shot him a dark, furious look before responding.

"My sense of _duty_," she spat, anger flashing in her green eyes as she sat up straight and glared at him, "is the _only_ reason I was working with Cerberus in the first place! In case you forgot, they were the only ones who were actually willing to _do_ something about human colonies being attacked. I swore an oath to the Alliance but this is bigger than choosing between them and Cerberus. You of all people should know what we're up against, you were there for the battle against Saren! So yes, if the only way to defeat the Reapers and save the galaxy is to abandon the Alliance and strike out on my own, I'll do it. I'll do it because no one else will, and somebody has to. So don't talk to me about _duty_, Kaidan. Don't you dare. Not when duty is _all_ I have left."

The sudden outburst stunned him, and he looked on in growing astonishment as she practically snarled at him. _I've never seen her this angry. Not even when the Council refused to believe the evidence about Saren. _His anger lessened as her last words penetrated his baffled thoughts, and he found himself repressing a swell of heartache.

_Duty is all she has left? Does she really think that? What have they _done_ to her? _

Abruptly, Shepard was standing before him, her hands trembling at her sides. "For what it's worth, although I'm guessing that's not much, I don't work for Cerberus anymore." Her voice was low and carefully controlled. Her eyes sparkled with the threat of tears, and when she spoke again it was so quietly that he almost couldn't hear her.

_Were those tears? Shepard doesn't cry_, he thought absurdly. And then – her last words registered, piercing his heart.

"Sometimes I wish they had left me dead."

She turned and left, walking towards a nearby rapid transit station as he stared after her in shock.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

Shepard raised a hand to her face to angrily wipe away the tears that spilled over onto her cheeks, scarcely believing that she was walking away from the only person she had ever allowed to really get close to her. This encounter with Kaidan, like the one on Horizon, had been an unmitigated disaster, only this time she was fuming instead of sad.

They still cared for each other, that much was obvious. She could see it in the way he looked at her, feel it in the way his hand lingered a touch too long on hers after helping her out of her chair at Flux. But then, chemistry had never been their problem; sparks had flown between them since their first stop at the Citadel. Their problems were external; first with the Alliance regulations against fraternization and now with her association with Cerberus.

She blinked back more tears in annoyance, and wondered how long it had been since she had been so close to weeping. _Years_, she thought bleakly.

What was it about Kaidan that made her so vulnerable? She had started talking to him as part of her daily rounds with the crew, but quickly found herself seeking him out to talk about the mission. They had started flirting cautiously, and somewhere along the way he had stolen into her heart and she had fallen deeply, irrevocably in love. She had not been looking for it, but there it was.

_And now… now I don't know what to do._

She glowered, hating to admit it even to herself. The idea that she, the person who had tracked down and defeated Saren and his flagship Reaper, was unable to handle a relationship problem was ludicrous. How could such fear grip her heart at the mere thought of losing Kaidan when she was able to face hailstorms of bullets and plunge fearlessly into battle?

Her fury at his accusations slowly drained away, only to be replaced by a hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Deep in thought, she disembarked from the transit shuttle at the Zakera ward docks and blindly made her way to the Normandy. As a Spectre, she could have stayed in quarters provided by the Council, but she preferred to remain in the familiar surroundings of her cabin. She was halfway to the ship, engrossed in her inner turmoil, when she realized someone was calling her name. She turned around to see Kaidan jogging to catch up with her from the transit station. Her heart lurched, but she pressed her lips together, determined not to say anything until she knew why he was here.

He was frowning when he reached her. "Shepard… I…" He paused, self-consciously crossing his arms over his chest before speaking again, casting his eyes downward. "I didn't mean to get angry. I don't want to leave things between us the way we left them on Horizon. This has all just been a lot to take in, you know?"

She hesitated, looking at him searchingly. At length she sighed, hating herself for being so delighted that he came after her. "I know, Kaidan. But this is never going to work if you won't let me at least _explain_ about Cerberus."

Shepard watched him carefully as he stiffened. Resentment clouded his visage, but there was also a flicker of what she could have sworn was desperation. His face twisted as he appeared to struggle with something, but after a few moments he expelled a long breath and the tension ebbed. "You're right." A wry grin slowly spread across his face as he locked eyes with her, causing her heart to thud against her chest. "As usual."

She nodded, but kept her expression carefully neutral. Despite the earlier revelry at Flux and relatively successful meeting with Anderson, she was bone-weary, and knew she was close to breaking.

"Okay, then. This is hardly the place for this conversation, though," she said, gesturing expansively at the dock. "We could… do you want to talk on the Normandy?" Her voice was uncertain, and she hated the tinge of fear she was unable to hide.

Kaidan looked at her, and for a second she thought she saw something resembling grief in his eyes, but it was gone too quickly to be sure. "That's fine."

She swept her green eyes appraisingly across his face, and beckoned him towards the Normandy's airlock with a tilt of her head. "This way."


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

Kaidan followed her onto the CIC deck, marveling at the similarities between this Normandy and the original one. It seemed that Cerberus had gone to great length to recreate the ship that Shepard had commanded as the first human Spectre. He admired the hologram of the ship in the center of the deck for a split second before Shepard ushered him into the elevator behind the galaxy map.

_Wait a minute. Elevator on the CIC deck? Guess they did change a few things,_ he thought.

His slight confusion must have shown, because Shepard looked at him out of the corner of her eye before selecting the crew quarters deck and explained briefly. "She's bigger than the original, four decks. CIC, crew's quarters, and engineering. Captain's cabin on the top deck."

"Oh. And we're going to the crew quarters? Don't you have a briefings room or something?" He looked down at her, trying not to remember that because she wasn't _that_ much shorter than he was, her lithe body fit almost perfectly against his.

"No, we do. I usually use the communications room for briefings," she replied quietly as she stepped off the elevator. "But the mess is on this deck, and I wanted some tea. We can talk on one of the observation decks; they're more comfortable than the comm. room anyway. They have couches."

He followed her into the mess, frowning a little as he noticed the slump of her shoulders and the tense set of her jaw. He was longing to find out what she meant by the last comment she made before running from him, but knew that now was not the time to bring it up. Shepard reached up to grab two mugs from a cabinet before fishing a key out of her pocket to unlock a drawer and pull out a box from which she retrieved two tea bags.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her as she locked the drawer again, then placed a tea bag in each mug and handed one to him. He felt the familiar tug at his heartstrings as their fingers brushed together momentarily.

"Real tea, from Earth. We keep the good stuff locked up," she clarified as she held her mug under the hot water dispenser. She waited for him to fill his mug before grabbing a small dish from the cabinet and leading him back in the direction of the elevator. Instead of getting back on, though, she turned left, and walked to the end of the short corridor to let him into a small observation room.

She perched on the edge of one of the couches, grasping her tea with one hand and motioning for him to sit with the other. He settled onto the other end of the couch, taking a deep breath and studiously avoiding her gaze as he did so.

Shepard blew on her tea for a few moments before breaking the silence. "So… where do we start?"

_Good question. _

"Well," he mumbled, nerves suddenly overcoming him, "how about where we left off? Do you think you would ever rejoin the Alliance?" He looked over at her, keenly aware of the sadness in her eyes before she turned her head away to look out the window and sip her tea.

"Honestly? Yes, I would. The Alliance has been my whole life. But, Kaidan, I wasn't kidding when I said that if going out on my own is what it takes to defeat the Reapers, then that's what I'll do." Her voice was soft, serious.

He fought down the surge of frustration, forcing himself to take a calming breath before saying anything. _She's right. You need to give her a chance to tell her side of the story_.

"It would be nice to have you back on our side," he offered.

Kaidan kept his eyes on her as she sighed, then pulled the teabag out of her mug and deposited it on the little dish she had taken from the mess. He did the same with his teabag when she held the dish out to him before placing it on a side table.

"I never stopped being loyal to the Alliance. I'm certainly not loyal to Cerberus, and I was never on their side. I meant what I said when I told you that I don't work with them anymore."

"Then why work for Cerberus in the first place?" He tried to keep his tone level, but he could tell that she heard the accusation there when she bit her lip and drew her legs up onto the couch, setting her chin on her knees.

_Damn. Alright, Alenko, keep a tighter hold on your emotions. _

"It's complicated, but really what it comes down to is that they invested a lot of money in me, in this ship. And the Illusive Man provided a lot of helpful leads that I needed to follow." She looked over at him, green eyes pleading with him to understand. Eventually she looked away, drinking more tea before setting the mug down on the table next to the dish with the tea bags.

_Stay calm. Getting angry won't solve anything._

"They _invested_ in you?" His voice was incredulous. "What does that mean, exactly? Because it sounds a lot like they bought you off."

_Crap. So much for staying calm._

Shepard's expression shifted to something darker, and she made a visible effort to rein in her annoyance before snapping at him. "No, they did _not_ buy me off. But thanks, it's nice to know you think so little of me."

He cringed a little at that, and took another deep breath. "Shepard… damn it, that's not what I meant. I just don't understand, and I need you to explain it to me."

The anger seemed to drain out of her as she drew her legs in a little closer, wrapping her arms around her knees. It occurred to him that she seemed to have changed since he saw her on Horizon, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what the difference was.

_Whatever it is, I don't like it_, he thought with a frown.

They sat together wordlessly for several minutes, with Kaidan looking on as Shepard appeared to pull herself together, preparing for whatever she had to say. As the silence dragged on, he felt himself beginning to get worried. In the time he had known her on the original Normandy, he had never seen her need to draw on the reserves of her inner strength the way she was clearly doing now. She had always faced everything with head-on assurance. Watching her have to compose herself just to talk to him was heart-wrenching.

When she finally did speak, her voice was almost a whisper; he had to scoot a little closer to her on the couch to be able to hear.

"I was literally an investment for them, the same way any project that requires financing would be. They spent two years and I don't know how many billions of credits on… on _resurrecting_ me."

He drew his brows together in confusion, and hoped that she would elaborate, but she didn't say anything more. She wouldn't even look at him.

"Resurrecting you? Resurrecting you from what?"

"From death, Kaidan."

For one heart-stopping moment, he felt his world falling out from under him. _Death? As in, _dead_ death? She really died?_

"I… I don't understand," he stammered. "Death?"

"Yes, death," she returned quietly. "What did you think I was talking about on Horizon?"

"Horizon? I thought… I thought you had been working with Cerberus… we thought you had faked your death!" More words were not forthcoming; he could barely breathe.

Shepard looked down at her hands, unable to look him in the eye. "What part of 'I was clinically dead' did you not understand, Kaidan? That wasn't a euphemistic way of saying that I was in a coma, or awake and in poor health," she said dully, her face expressionless. "I certainly wasn't undercover as a Cerberus agent. I meant exactly what I said. I was _dead_."

He paled, and his heart ached anew as all the feelings of loss rushed back, preventing him from speaking. All he could do was stare at her, stunned at the words she had just uttered.

_Shepard died. She _died_, and Cerberus brought her back. She is literally back from the dead._

Her voice trembled as she continued, and her eyes were glazed over, as if she were reliving something. "A few months ago, I woke up alone on a table with no idea where I was. I was so confused…." She paused, sounding lost. "But there was a voice coming through on the comm. system, telling me I needed to suit up and get armed because we were under attack. So I did, and fought my way through I don't know how many mechs, with just a _pistol_, for God's sake, until I found Jacob and then Miranda, and we got the hell out of there."

Her words hit him like a blow to the stomach, and his airways constricted even further. He could barely wrap his head around the thought that Shepard really had _died_ two years ago, and the thought that the very first thing she had to do was fight for her life, _again_, was anguishing.

"You know you've always been good with pistols," he managed faintly, scarcely conscious of what he was saying.

"That was when I found out I had been dead for two years, and the place I woke up in was the Cerberus facility that had been dedicated to bringing me back to life. I agreed to meet with the Illusive Man – that's Cerberus' leader – and he's the one who told me about the attacks on the colonies. I agreed to look into them, and, well, one thing led to another, and now here I am."

She fell silent again. Kaidan stared at her unblinkingly, trying to force his bewildered mind to make sense of her words, but he had no idea where to start; he put his mug down on the side table as he tried to gather his thoughts. Shepard seemed to take that as a cue to keep talking, saving him from finding the right thing to say.

"He didn't want me to destroy the Collector base, you know," she murmured, laughing humorlessly. "Thought we could use the technology to _advance humanity_. As if I could ignore everything that had happened on that base and the ruining of so many lives." She shook her head, dark hair falling forward to frame her face.

_They wanted to save the base? That's going a little far, even for Cerberus_.

She was still talking. "We had it out after I blew up the base; asking me to save that place was too much. After that conversation, I don't think Cerberus and I will be working together even if I crawl back on my hands and knees. Which leaves me… alone."

That finally broke through his haze of confusion. "Alone?"

She gave him a funny look, as if he were missing the obvious. "Yes, alone. Cerberus resurrected me because, God knows why, they thought I was the only one who could take on the Reapers. The Alliance may not help, the Council certainly won't, and Cerberus can go to hell, but the Reapers still need to be stopped from wiping out life as we know it."

His heart broke a little as the bitter words poured out of the woman in front of him. _What must it be like to shoulder that kind of burden? To be told that the galaxy needs saving again, and once more you're the only one who can do it? To have to literally jump right into action after being _resurrected from the dead_ because you have no other choice?_

"Your crew believes in you, Shepard," he stated softly, not knowing what else to say.

She gave a quiet, cynical snort as she hugged her knees closer to her chest. "I know. They believe in _me_. That's part of the problem, Kaidan. They believe in me, not in the mission. Look at what happened when I died two years ago; it all fell apart and the threat to the galaxy was ignored. There is no one there to take up the reins if I fall. I am literally the last man standing, and no matter how exhausted I am , I don't dare let myself slip because there is _no one else there_ to bear the responsibility."

He had no real answer for that, but tried anyway. "You have friends, Shepard, people you can lean on. Your old crew –" He broke off, colour rising to his cheeks.

She shook her head again. "No, Kaidan. Who is it you think I can lean on? Tali? She's the best tech specialist I have, and we respect each other, but we've never really been friends. Garrus looks out for me, always has my six, but he's not the kind of person I confide in. Liara has turned into a bitch of an information broker, and Wrex is putting his people back together on Tuchanka. That's it. I don't… I don't know if I can do it by myself. I don't know if I can do this _at all_. But I have to, because there really _isn't_ anyone for me to lean on."

He stared, aghast at her admission of self-doubt. Even during the worst parts of the operation against Saren and Sovereign, when no one wanted to support them, she had held to an unwavering belief in herself and her mission. She had always been poised, positive that she would be able to achieve her goals. An uncertain, insecure Shepard was a whole different creature, one he decidedly did _not_ like seeing.

"You left out one crewmember," he said quietly. "Me."

She stared at him, disbelief and pain clearly written across her face. "You. Right. No, I didn't leave you out, Kaidan. I just didn't think I had to explain to you… You made it pretty clear that you don't want anything to do with this." She took a deep breath before looking away from him again. "And _that_ is what I meant when I said that duty is all I have left."

The shock rolled over him in waves as he saw that she was physically shaking, and he suddenly registered what was different about her. She looked _small_. Small, and _tired_, in stark contrast to the confident, larger-than-life personality that Shepard had exuded in her past life. She looked like a person who was on the brink of giving up, a person who had nothing left to hold on to. And he didn't like it, not one bit.

Then another realization hit him, one that had him feeling ill. _I did this to her. Not Cerberus. _Me. _I didn't believe her, didn't believe _in_ her, wasn't there when she needed support, and this is what it did to her. _He liked that even less.

He closed the distance between them, hesitantly placing his arm around her shoulders. "Shepard… _Kate_." He tugged a little at her shoulder, trying to make her turn toward him. "Kate, listen to me. Before, on Horizon… it was never _you_ that I had the problem with. It was Cerberus, and the idea of you working for them. I don't know if I'll ever really get what happened to you—I don't know if anyone _could_—but I understand things a little better now. And you have to know that I never stopped caring about you, never stopped loving you."

Hastily, he stopped speaking. _Damn. I didn't mean for that last part to come out._ Wearily, he lowered his head a little, uncertainty shading his thoughts. _What the hell do I do now?_

When he heard a muffled sob escape from her lips, he realized that she was crying. That was another first for him, and something else that he didn't like. The last remnants of the walls he had built against her crumbled. The sound of her crying tore at him, and he wondered how many times his heart could break.

Impulsively, he pulled his arm tighter around her, drawing her head down onto his shoulder as he moved his hand up and down her arm in what he hoped was a comforting motion. "It will be okay," he soothed, remembering the time on the original Normandy that she had teased him about not being able to say those words. In response, she turned all the way into him, weeping into his chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that before her shuddering sobs stopped, but even after the tears ceased he continued to rub her back calmingly. In the silence, he eventually realized that her breathing had eased into a steady rhythm and she had fallen asleep in his lap.

_I'm going to have one hell of a sore neck if I stay like this and let her sleep_, he thought dryly, but he didn't want to disturb her sleep. Recalling her comment about the captain's cabin on the top deck of the ship, he shifted slightly, and easily lifted her off the couch. Shepard stirred a little in his arms, but didn't wake as he made his way to the elevator.

_She must be exhausted_.

The doors to her quarters slid open, and he looked around as he stepped across the threshold, not sure what to expect. When he saw her bed in the lower area, he started towards that, but then he noticed the collection of model ships in the display case by her desk. Intrigued, he stepped closer to inspect the little replicas, smiling when he saw the Normandy among them. After looking them over for a few seconds, he started to carry Shepard back over to her bed, but nearly dropped her when he saw his own image blink to life in a holo frame on the desk.

_She has a picture of me?_

In his astonishment, he jostled Shepard against the wall, and she came awake, looking around herself in sleepy confusion. Instantly he put her down, embarrassed.

"You, ah, fell asleep down there. I remembered you said your quarters were on the top deck, so I was going to put you to bed…" he trailed off self-consciously.

She flushed slightly. "You didn't have to do that… you could have just woken me up."

"I know. You just looked so calm in your sleep, I didn't want to disturb you," he said sheepishly.

"Oh. Well, have a seat." She waved at the couch below the display case. "I'll be back in a sec."

She grabbed something from behind her pillow and disappeared into her bathroom as he sat down, only to emerge a few seconds later clad in a tank top and boxers, face freshly scrubbed and hair pulled back into a loose ponytail. She sat on the edge of her bed, eyes darting around the room. Clearly she was nervous about something.

"Listen," she said, her tone discomfited. "I'm sorry about breaking down like that on you. That wasn't how I thought that conversation would go. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

His eyes swept across her face, incredulous. _That was probably the first time she allowed herself to act human since she woke up, and she's _apologizing_ to me? Does she ever stop thinking about other people?_

"It's fine, Kate. Really," he replied gently. _When did I go back to calling her Kate, the way I used to when we were alone, instead of Shepard?_ "No need to apologize. It seemed like you needed it."

"Still… it's a little mortifying," she admitted. "And probably not what you had in mind when you came on board to talk to me."

_Still trying to stay strong for everyone else. Who keeps _you_ strong, Kate?_

"Don't worry about it. _Really_," he added, seeing that she was about to protest. "I'm glad I could be there for you." He watched her for any sign of doubt, pleased when her features settled into a more relaxed expression.

"I'm glad you were there too," she said softly. A flicker of something – happiness? contentment? – lit her eyes before she looked back down, yawning.

"You should get some sleep," he told her, getting to his feet.

He was halfway to the door when he heard her voice, almost a whisper. "Kaidan?"

He turned around, looking at her questioningly.

"Could you… could you stay tonight?" She was biting her lip, her eyes anxious. Her cheeks coloured suddenly as she seemed to realize how that might have sounded to him. "Not like that!" she rushed on. "I just don't want to be alone right now."

He smiled a little at that, unable to stop the tug at the corners of his mouth at the thought that even after everything that had passed between them, she was comfortable enough with him to ask for help, to show her vulnerable side.

_Right. It has nothing to do with the fact that the most stunningly beautiful woman you know just asked you to spend the night with her. Nope, nothing at all._

Relief flooded her face when he walked back into the room.

"I can stay," he assured her. This time, the smile lit up her eyes, and his heart soared at the sight. Then it was his turn to blush, as he realized he didn't have any sleeping clothes with him, and he _hated_ sleeping fully clothed. "I, um, don't have…"

She smirked a little at his discomfort, then got to her feet and retrieved an oversized white t-shirt that looked like it would be three or four sizes too large for her, tossing it at him before clambering between the sheets, lying on her side and resting her head on a pillow. Face bright red, he sat down to take off his shoes and socks, stripping down to his boxers and bare chest before pulling the t-shirt over his head. He padded over to the bed and slid in, moving his body behind Shepard's after a moment's hesitation. She was silent for a moment before cuddling into him, releasing a long, low sigh. He placed a tentative hand around her waist, settling his head onto the pillow.

Kaidan listened to the sounds around him, some familiar, some not. There was the quiet hum of Shepard's cadenced breathing, the creaking of the ship's bulkheads, the low, nearly silent buzz of her comm. terminal, and the gurgle of the filtration unit in her aquarium. He thought Shepard had already fallen asleep, and was contemplating the absurdity of having an aquarium in the C.O.'s quarters, when she spoke.

"Kaidan?" Her voice was hushed, almost fearful. "I know this doesn't fix everything, and things are going to be… complicated… no matter what we do. But… I love you."

His heart swelled, and he marveled at the night's turn of events. He had only meant to get a beer to calm his nerves, and here he was, lying in bed holding the woman whose death had not been enough to make him stop loving her. A grin played at his lips as he instinctively drew her tighter against him, moving his head closer to hers. She was right, they would still have things to work out, but right now, in the clarity that only nighttime could bring, everything seemed exceedingly simple. He breathed in the herbal scent of her hair, and quietly said, "I know. I love you too."

He felt all the tension bleed from her body, and closed his eyes in satisfaction. He was almost asleep when the sound of her voice, muted and drowsy, brought him back to consciousness for a second.

"I'm glad you're home."

It confused him momentarily – _she_ was the one who had been away on a dangerous mission – but then it clicked into place and brought another smile to his face. He was here, on the Normandy, in bed with the woman he loved, who despite all odds still loved him in return. He gave her a brief, happy hug.

_It's good to be home._

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_**A/N**: Whew, finally done! Well, kids, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you all so very much for the kind reviews, as well as adding me to your story alerts and favourite stories. I am still in awe of many of the authors here, and it does a soul good to know that her work, meager in comparison, is appreciated. _


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